Marie Kondo says my purse is tired. I had never thought to consider its feelings.
Upon closer examination, it does look a bit sad and saggy around the middle, but so do I and I’m not complaining about it, am I?
The only thing complaining at the moment is a ten month old baby who took a really short nap and is ready to come back out and continue seizing the day and then shaking it aggressively because she takes after Graeme.
Anyway, I read the whole book and especially enjoyed the part where Marie makes a butt joke. She writes about the feelings of things, having respectful chats with your house, how to fold shoes considerately, and how to tap a little piece of something with something else in order to make a nice noise that will solve all your problems.
It’s very deep and meaningful and magical and life changing…and then there’s a butt joke.
Graeme got a little worried when I finished the book and started applying its wisdom to our lives. Apparently, nasty things spark joy in his manly heart and I shouldn’t try getting rid of his old jackets without asking him first. But then when I ask him, his face goes all Puss in Boots and I don’t have the heart to follow through with my magical tidying.
Piiiiing goes the powerful crystal.
I guess I did benefit from the book a little bit, although I wouldn’t say it changed my life. I fold things well now, and store them upright. I finally got rid of the pink dress I never wore because it reminded me of the time Madea got all dressed up and her brother said, “You look like a big-ass bottle o’ Pepto-Bismol.”
I only own clothes I like wearing now.
I have also started walking around my house, talking to it softly and smiling. Sometimes I whisper things into the walls. But that might have more to do with the quarantine than anything else.
I wonder now why Marie doesn’t talk about the feelings of my fridge? My purse “works hard” and “needs to rest” by being emptied out at the end of the day and then tucked in with a special blankie. I must also provide a glass of water, a nightlight, and a recitation of The Lord’s Prayer.
But what about my fridge?
It keeps our food cold all the time, makes ice for us, and collects a pool of slimy green liquid in its drawers without complaining. It’s the most hard working appliance in our house, really. So, even though she totally dropped the ball and forgot to mention it in her book, I have decided to be more respectful and considerate of my fridge by easing its burden and eating a whole lot of Haagen Daaz after the kids go to bed.
Piiiiing
Marie Kondo says NOBODY has EVER gone back to being a messy beast after trying out her methods. She is lying. I need to get in touch with her to let her know I am the very first and she needs to stop saying that. My drawers last month looked like our Mexican Corgi had been in there, chasing a squirrel.
If Marie came for a visit, she would definitely be a little tense. Especially if she opened the junk drawer in the kitchen, or the huge closet in the bathroom where I keep:
- Q-tips
- Shampoo
- Dove soap bars
- Razors
- A bread machine
- An old dish rack
- A baby neck floatie I definitely shouldn’t have bought
- Misc.
It’s all arranged by color and/or smell, and I don’t think there’s anything alive in there, but I keep the door shut just in case.
I’m trying to live up to my Enneagram number that says I’m supposed to be a clean minimalist. Lol.
But hey, at least most of my house is tidy. Especially the entryway since Graeme made this super cool shoe cabinet:
The basement is still a bit of a mess. I got rid of six big boxes of fabric I had been hoarding for years, but then replaced them with one huge box, about the size of six big boxes, in which we keep a Christmas tree that is a bit wonky on one side.
It doesn’t spark anything like joy in me, but when I told Graeme I was getting rid of it, he got a little sad. I don’t think he’d be good friends with Marie, but she would still smile at him while cussing inwardly. If you’ve ever seen her show on Netflix, you can tell that’s definitely what she’s doing.
Messy Beast: Marie, this rusty old mailbox I just found in the corner of my garage is very special to me.
Marie: What the hell, man? I didn’t ask to come here, you agreed to do this show because you said you wanted to get your life in order. This is disgusting. The only way to clean up this filth is by burning the house down. I can’t believe this. Should have stayed in Japan.
Instead she just goes “Hmmm” and smiles, which is a good quality, I guess. Self-control.
I borrowed the book from my sister-in-law, so I can’t leave a review anywhere, but if I could, it would go like this:
Much wise. Very joy. Wow.
Marie Kondo taught me to fold my chones into little squares and store them upright. Cuss, but only inwardly. Respect my purse, and never underestimate the power of healing crystals and butt jokes. How likely am I to recommend this book to a friend?
Hmmm 🙂
All jokes aside, though, you really should store your clothes like this. It will change your life and you will never be messy again and all your white hairs will disappear. I promise. Marie Kondo promises. We are both completely trustworthy. Yes, we are.
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