I’ve tried all my life to go against the flow, like a hipster who denies being a hipster. By the way, are hipsters even a thing nowadays? Is that still going on? I took social media off my phone in December of 2020 and I have been as oblivious as your next-door grandma since then.
In fact, your grandma probably knows more than I do about trends and hashtags and whether or not Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant now at 58. I didn’t even know skinny jeans weren’t cool anymore until my friend Hope, who is young and sweet, only seventeen, came to visit a few months ago and we went shopping.
I suggested she try some jeans on, and she smiled at me pitifully, like someone offering most sincere condolences. She gently told me skinny jeans weren’t really worn by her generation. I slowly put the hanger back and felt another gray hair sprout. Poiiiing. They all sprout like that, curly and pointing straight up. Poing, poing, POING!!
So there you have it. I don’t have social media on my phone, I got married at eighteen, and I still haven’t watched Frozen. Since I like doing my own thing, I decided back when I was a wise teenager that my kids were going to be really well-behaved and I wouldn’t talk about naughty behavior in terms of “phases” and “seasons” because really, that’s just bad parenting.
Hehe.
Oopsie.
You know what’s coming right?
Yeah, you do.
Hey, Cookie, stop screaming!
No!
And stop saying no!
NO!
Is no your favorite word?
NOOO!!!!
Oh mah gawsh. This lady is FEISTY. She was this ball of pure innocence and joy for about nine months, and then her sinful nature took over. Whoever says there is no such thing as a sinful nature hasn’t taken away a toddler’s Capri Sun.
I’ve successfully managed to get her to stop saying no. Here’s what happens now instead:
Grace, close the fridge door.
Yes! (Doesn’t close the fridge door)
Grace…
(With a scowl) YYY-ES!
You’re going to get in trouble now.
YEEEES! (Stomps foot)
Alright, then.
(Gets in trouble)
Grace, small and beautiful creature that she is, can be very, very naughty, and she was at her very worst a few months ago. Forest would be minding his own business, building a LEGO he would eventually name “The Contraption of the State of California,” and she would come up from behind and give him a smack right in the Goldilocks curls.
This is a grave offense; these curls are the pride and joy of his life.
Everyone he meets compliments his hair and I forgot to teach him to say thank you when someone says nice things. One day, a lady in church said “Hey, your hair is amazing!” He sighed tiredly. “I know.”
Anyways, back to the naughty girl. We went to Disneyland and briefly considered getting one of those horrible leashes for kids, but then decided against it at the last minute.
It ended up being a very nice trip, except for when we went on Splash Mountain and Forest, sitting at the very front, got soaked. He was momentarily the unhappiest boy on earth.
Grace behaved pretty decently during this trip, probably because Grandpa Jim and Grandma Darly are very obedient and do as they are told by little girls in dresses.
There’s probably a point to this post, just give me a minute.
Grace is still largely an uncivilized savage, but I am slowly beginning to see the light, in a hopeful, not dying way. I took her and her stuffed cat to Walgreens the other day and she strolled through the hair accessory aisle, cat under her arm, admiring the hair ties and bows.
Then I told her it was time to go, and like a proper lady, she put the butterfly hair clips back and walked away. Well, well. Isn’t that something? Just a few months ago that might have ended poorly.
Then we went to Home Depot, where she gently caressed the candy by the checkout counter and then walked away when we were ready to leave.
So I guess my point is…
This two shall pass, but not on its own. There’s a lot of effort involved. A LOT OF EFFORT.
But slowly, slowly, she is becoming civilized.
Somewhat civilized.
___________________________
It’s been a couple years since I wrote this post and I am happy to report Grace’s self-control and general behavior have improved tremendously. Except she just let out a sailor burp as I was writing this. She doesn’t usually do it in public, but when she does, I pretend to be appalled, although I admit to you now in confidence that I, too, have found the occasional explosive burp to be a rewarding experience and she probably (definitely) learned it from me. To balance things out, I also taught her to feign propriety at restaurants and we both restrain our bodily functions quite admirably in public, for the most part. Oop, she just did another.
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