Back when I was two people, not in a crazy way, but rather in a pregnant way, Graeme’s parents came for a visit.
The weather was nice, and we decided to go to a u-pick blueberry farm.
We were having a great time, strolling along blueberry fields along with dozens of other families who weren’t concerned about germs and viruses and the apocalypse just yet.
As per always, Forest was glued to Grandpa Jim, and Graeme and I had a chance to walk together, hand in hand. If you had seen us that day, you would have thought we were probably newlyweds, but then when I turned around and you saw my huge belly and white hairs sticking straight up, you would have known the truth.
Speaking of my huge belly, one time when I was pregnant with Forest, I went to the thrift shop in search of blue and white dishes, but instead left with better self-esteem. A man who had seen me from behind approached me with flirtatious intentions.
I turned around and almost knocked him over with a beach ball. His mouth dropped open and out came, “Woah, sister!” He quickly turned around and walked away, terrified. Hmm, I thought, my butt must still be nice.
Anyway, back to the blueberries.
It was all going well until we walked past a man who had brought a lawn chair. Forest and Jim were walking behind us, and I heard Forest, who is physically unable to speak quietly, gasp and say:
“WOW! That man has HUGE, FAT LEGS!”
OHDEARGRACIOUSHEAVENLYFATHER
I stopped breathing and walked faster, like a pregnant Quasimodo hunched over with embarrassment. This is probably how Lot felt; running away while Sodom went up in flames behind him. I thought it best not to turn around because we all know what happened to that lady.
The philosopher Andy Samberg once said: Cool guys don’t look at explosions; they turn around and they walk away.
We found a quiet blueberry lane and went in, a bit sweaty from the stress and the power walking. I leaned down, close to Forest, and explained to him that he shouldn’t say people are fat because it might make them feel very sad, and it’s not a good thing to hurt people’s feelings.
His eyes were wide with concern, as he realized for the first time that he could hurt people with his words. He told me he would NEVER do it again, and all four of us adults tried our best to look serious and not laugh nervously.
We finished our conversation and turned around to leave. Forest walked ahead of us, and as he reached the end of the lane, a lady walked in and they met head on.
Forest froze.
This was the biggest lady he had ever seen in all his three years of existence, and he stood there for a few seconds, mouth and eyes wide open.
Then he slowly turned around, looked at Graeme and said:
“Hey, Daddy?”
“Yes, Forest?”
“I didn’t say anysing.”
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