I often have deep thoughts while folding tiny underwear. I think I inherited this from my dad (not the underwear, but the thoughts), who is capable of writing a screenplay and having imaginary discussions about politics and theology at Disneyland, in the middle of the Indiana Jones ride when the skeletons are shooting at you.

Sometimes I am brought back to reality by Grace’s head nudging my butt like a tiny goat and her little girl voice saying, “Mommy, me talking you!” Oops, sorry Gwacie, I was just in the middle of a debate with L. Ron Hubbard.

As a little kid, to amuse the relatives, I would do an impression of my dad. With wide eyes and a faraway look I’d announce, “I’m working on a script.” Now I do it unintentionally, to bemuse the descendants. Writers are strange people, and I try to remember that often to keep myself in check, so I don’t end up absentmindedly picking my nose one day at Target while coming up with a little something for the blog. Just the other day I was chuckling to myself while vacuuming, thinking I should change Graeme’s bio to “Hairy-chested man of action.”

Please let me know if I get too weird. I’m alright with a little weird, but if I start burping loudly in public or show up at your house wearing yellow, latex-free dish gloves, please take that as a call for help.

It was during one of these interesting laundry days that I began to ponder what it means to be a good friend. I was going out to dinner with several lady friends that evening, so I decided to bring up the topic then.

We all took turns naming a few things we consider important in a friendship, and when we were all done, one of the ladies commented on how the evening’s discussion had taken a deep turn. Well, you know, I was there.

Someone asked why I had brought up the subject, and I said that in all relationships, not just marriage, a lot of things are assumed instead of openly discussed. By laying out some expectations and rules, we can avoid future unpleasantness. Everyone nodded quietly. It was a good evening, and my tostada was only $5.

The following day, a friend in Oklahoma called me and we talked for a couple hours about an issue she’s having with a friend of hers. Well, well, I thought, we have a theme here. Then, late that evening, another friend called and we had a lengthy discussion about what makes a good friend. She was amazed I brought up the subject because that’s what her pastor had preached on that week.

So of course I felt a blog post coming. It starts with a bit of tingling in the brain that slowly moves to the fingertips and prevents me from going to sleep.

Here’s the list we came up with, in order of appearance, not relevance. I also added a few more qualities as I started writing, and I’m sure there are things I missed.

10 Signs of a Good Friend

• SOMEONE YOU FEEL COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE AROUND

She’s honest and open, doesn’t pretend to be anything she’s not, and if you’re especially good friends, her toilet will have mysterious stains when you visit. A friend said to me recently, “I didn’t clean my house before you came, because I thought, ‘meh, Enna loves me.’” Yes. Yes, she does.

You know it’s an especially good friendship when you’re both hanging out in pajamas with no bras underneath. This particular friend comes over to spend the night sometimes and then we have lovely chats in the morning while looking like roadkill.

• SOMEONE YOU SHARE CORE BELIEFS WITH

Of course you can be friendly with someone you disagree with, but if the most important aspects of your worldviews don’t line up, the relationship will most likely stay on the lower end of the friendship scale and never quite reach Braless in Pajamas level.

• SOMEONE WHO RESOLVES CONFLICT WELL

Texting when things are already tense usually ends poorly. If there’s been a disagreement or something’s not quite right, it’s best to resolve it quickly and in person. A phone call is the next best option. Silent treatment should never be an option at all.

I mean, really, we’re too old for these shenanigans. I’ve heard women in their thirties say “We’re not on speaking terms,” and “I’m not talking to her right now.” This is a shiny, big red flag because if she’ll do that to one lady, you can be sure she’d do it to you and you just haven’t had your turn yet. Silent treatment should never, ever be a weapon in a Christian woman’s life.

“We leave high school, but if we’re not careful, we never leave high school.”
– Melanie Dale, Women are Scary

By the way, Melanie Dale is a funny lady and I think you would enjoy her book. I saw it at a friend’s house and knew I had to read it when I saw the last word on the back cover was “poo.” You can get it HERE.

• SOMEONE WHO RESOLVES CONFLICT ALL THE WAY

There’s this lady you’ve upset and you’re not sure why, or maybe you know exactly why and would like to talk about it. You mention to her that something seems wrong but she says everything’s fine. Then she stops texting and pretends not to notice you at Target. Unless she is picking her nose while thinking about Scientology, you KNOW she’s seen you. Her hearing and eyesight have suddenly become defective. But you know…everything’s fine.

The friendship has turned into a little pile of ashes but she maintains it’s all good. What in the world. Don’t be this lady. You shouldn’t dread running into someone you were friends with last week. Work it out all the way. Don’t let the elephant crush the relationship, and don’t pretend everything’s fine just to avoid a necessary (civil, loving) confrontation.

• SOMEONE HUMBLE ENOUGH TO APOLOGIZE SINCERELY

You can’t resolve conflict well if you’re never wrong. All Shawshank inmates are innocent. It doesn’t help that our moms and husbands, out of love and self-preservation faithfully declare us incapable of doing wrong. But seriously though, have you ever been wrong in the past? Why wouldn’t you be wrong now? There’s a chance it actually was your fault.

You tell your husband what went down, and the other lady is always guilty. But the other lady told her husband, and she’s innocent too! How can two perfectly innocent people cause each other trouble, then?

Even if you think you didn’t do anything wrong, there’s a chance your actions or words weren’t delivered kindly, and sometimes you have to put your granny chones on and sincerely apologize (in person, not over text) for something you probably should have done differently. Your husband and your mom aren’t always right.

We love Jesus and go to church but forget we are still perfectly capable of sinning. When someone offends you, they’re guilty, but when you offend someone, you’re innocent and armed with perfectly reasonable excuses. Isn’t that interesting?

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us….if we say that we have not sinned we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.
– 1 John 1:8,10

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32

• SOMEONE WHO ISN’T JEALOUS OF OTHER FRIENDSHIPS

A favorite lady friend of mine lives in another country. Another good friend lives two hours away. We stay in touch and see each other now and then, but for the most part, we have separate lives and friends we see a lot more often. I love these ladies so much I’ve prayed for them to find really good friends near them, because their happiness makes me happy, even if I can’t always be part of it.

It’s okay to have a Seinfeld group of friends, you know, always the same people having a good time, but sometimes it’s nice to switch it up and have one-on-one time with a friend, invite someone new or hang out with a different group of friends altogether.

One of the ladies at dinner told the story of a close friend who cut ties with her after she went on a trip with someone else! This is what silly girls do; our goal is to be wise, mature, and secure women with friendships strong enough that relationships don’t suffer if we’re not included in every single gathering. The love is still there, even if we are not.

• SOMEONE WHO FOLLOWS THROUGH

You know this has happened to you. You meet someone nice and they say how great it would be to have you over for dinner sometime. Yeah, let’s do that, it would be so fun. And then two years go by and you still don’t know where they live.

I’ve noticed this is a cultural thing. In Mexico, people you just met yesterday will invite you to dinner today if they really liked you. Here, to be polite, people mention inviting you to dinner and then never actually do it, as if the halfhearted mention of a possible reunion in the future was already an act of kindness in itself. Really though, it’s just disappointing. Don’t make offers you don’t really want to follow through with, and follow through with offers you’ve made.

• SOMEONE WHO ISN’T PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE

Or any kind of aggressive, I guess. I also wouldn’t want to be tackled. That’s not usually the danger with women, though. We don’t openly assault each other; we are much more conniving and subtle in our attacks. We have the ability to stir the pot with such a discreet spoon that we can easily put it away and claim innocence.

Karen’s sister hasn’t aged particularly gracefully and I’m not liking Karen too much right now, so with a smile, I’ll casually mention how they look just like each other. No need for tackling, see? Karen withers a little on the inside but can’t even fight back because that would mean admitting her sister is unattractive, and then that would be mean of HER. This kind of shrewd tactic is what we ladies employ when we let our naughty sinful nature go unchecked. You know what I’m talking about.

We have a bit of an unpleasant feline nature, don’t we? A mama cat and her kitten showed up at our house this year and now we’ve put glittery collars on them. The mama cat, creatively named Mommy Cat by the children, is very affectionate and would love to live indoors, on someone’s lap. She spends more time purring than not, and tries to sneak into the house every chance she gets, to rub up against someone’s leg in a real sweet way. She’s also very attractive, so it’s easy to forget about her sinful cat nature. I’ll be petting her and she’s loving it, and then just for laughs she turns around to bite me real quick. While still purring. WHY.

As a side note, besides being a jerk, Mommy Cat is also annoying in other ways. She meows more than any cat I have ever met before. I mean, ALL HOURS of the day and night. When Graeme took her to get spayed, I told him to ask the vet if he could also, as a favor, remove her vocal cords, but I guess he only specializes in the other end.

So Graeme goes out every night and imprisons the hairy nuisance in the garage so we can sleep in peace (except he forgot to do it last night and had to get up at 2 AM). I’ve renamed her Feline Dion because she’s so vocal and annoying and can’t sing anything without making it sound like the 90s.

Here’s what she looked like two months after a passionate rendezvous with a neighbor cat because the vet was booked out for months. Both mother and daughter got up to lusty shenanigans which resulted in the second photo. But enough about Mommy Cat. She tries to sneak into the house and now she’s snuck into the blog.

Back when we weren’t very far along in the sanctification process (lol, Christianese), Graeme and I watched a couple seasons of Family Guy. We eventually gave up on it because Seth MacFarlane is a bad hombre, and we realized we needed to be decent people so our kids would turn out okay. So we don’t watch it anymore, but there are still a few Family Guy moments I remember fondly.

There’s the one with the frog in the box, another one where Lois goes out of town and Stewie has to keep his diaper on with a belt because Peter never changes it, and another time when two ladies are having lunch together and insulting each other in a very friendly way. It goes like this:

Lady 1: Oh wow! You are definitely not afraid of dessert!

Lady 2: You know, I wish I were secure enough to throw on any old thing and call it an outfit.

Lady 1: Come on! You have SO much body confidence! I mean, who wouldn’t with those strong legs? So MUSCULAR. I’m jealous of how thick with strength they are!

Then the camera moves over to another table where two dudes are also having lunch.

Dude 1: Hey, I like your tie.

Dude 2: Thanks!

And the scene ends with a delightful little jingle that goes “Men! We know how to be friends!”

Let’s learn from the husbands and not bite each other while still purring. Wouldn’t that be nice?

• SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T GOSSIP

If she’s telling you juicy things about other people, she’s also going to tell other people juicy things about you. This can also be done in a subtle way by alluding to things instead of coming right out and saying them, or giving too much information with a spiritual spin. You know, let’s discuss other people’s lives so we can pray for them. Gotta know what to pray for. Heh, heh.

A perverse man [in this case, lady] sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends.
– Proverbs 16: 28

He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.
– Proverbs 17:9

A good friend works things out with you without letting a few other choice friends know all about it as well.

• SOMEONE WHO ISN’T EASILY ANGERED, TROUBLESOME, OR CONSISTENTLY NEGATIVE

Have you ever met someone who loves to be annoyed? They’re at Disneyland, upset because the waiter didn’t give them a straw. It’s the happiest place on earth, man. Just have a good time, you know? But they just can’t help being upset, and they kinda love it. It takes a constant effort to lighten the mood in every conversation, because the only type of conversation they are able to carry on is negative.

Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
– Proverbs 22:24-25

Finally brethren, whatever things are TRUE, whatever things are NOBLE, whatever things are JUST, whatever things are PURE, whatever things are LOVELY, whatever things are of GOOD REPORT, if there is any VIRTUE and if there is anything PRAISEWORTHY—meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:8

Finally, it’s good to remember we can’t be close friends with everyone. It’s just not realistic. There are only so many hours in the day and days on the calendar, and sometimes some friendships really aren’t meant to be. There is this belief among some Christians that we need to befriend everyone without exception, let our friendly lights shine before them, and this, eventually will lead all our acquaintances to glorify our Father in heaven. Well, I don’t think this is accurate and neither did Paul:

Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” Awake to righteousness, and do not sin; for some do not have the knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame.
– 1 Corinthians 15:33

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God…
– 2 Corinthians 6:14-16

In addition to being good friends, it is equally important that we evaluate the impact friendships have in our lives, and specifically in our relationship with Christ. Is this lady you’ve been hanging out with helping you become more like Jesus or more like Ursula the evil purple octopus?

What else would you add to this list? What qualities do you look for in a friend?